Happy New Year! If one of your resolutions is to get a job in sports this year you’ve come to the right place!
Each Wednesday I randomly select a cover letter sent in by sports job seekers and critique the letter. If you want to know more about how Workshop Wednesday works or how to send in your cover letter, see this post.
I have left comments open, but I will only approve comments with respectful questions or comments.
Please note, names and companies have been changed to protect anonymity. This person is applying for a community relations internship with an NFL team.
Dear [Ms. Jones]:
As a recent graduate of the [University] with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communication Studies, I am writing in response to the position of the Community Relations internship as listed on your website. I am confident that my four years of different experiences within the sports industry would be beneficial to the Community Relations Department.
I like this opening. The only thing I would change is to say “diverse” instead of “different”.
My enclosed resume indicates that I have experience with different sports at different levels within their respective organizations. Throughout these experiences I have had many opportunities to showcase my talents as a strong communicator. While interning at the [NFL team] 2012 Training Camp, I was the first person fans met at the Welcome Tent. This position allowed me to engage in meaningful conversation with the average 7, 000 fans in attendance by answering their questions, giving them directions, and making them feel welcome and comfortable at camp. Currently I am interning in the [sports marketing department] here at [University]. One of my biggest tasks is planning an elementary school day for the local schools. The schools will receive a tour of campus and then end their day at our women’s basketball game. This event has given me insight on how to engage with the local community and incorporate them into the [University] environment academically and athletically. For this event I have 12 schools in attendance totaling 3, 995 elementary students, teachers and chaperones. My other experiences have allowed me to showcase my knowledge of technology by keeping track of databases, stats programs, and managing social media accounts.
This is a meaty paragraph. I’d break it up a little bit by separating your two positions, meaning I’d start a new paragraph at, “Currently I am interning…”
I might also move the last sentence of the above about your prior experiences to the last paragraph. It’s not really enough to give its own paragraph, but it feels a little odd tacked onto the paragraph about the university internship position. If you moved it to the last paragraph, you’d need to work on a smooth transition into the next sentence so it doesn’t end up feeling odd there.
I look forward to speaking with you further about the position of Community Relations intern. You may contact me at [phone number] or by email at [email]. Thank you for your valuable time and consideration.
My suggestions here might seem like nitpicking. That’s because there wasn’t a lot to improve here. This person has done an excellent job of showing and not telling by giving concrete examples of past experiences that relate to the position at hand. Bravo!
The only other thing I’ll mention is that this person is applying for an internship with the same NFL team where she interned during training camp. I might address that right away. I’m assuming based on the way this is worded that she does not know the person hiring for the upcoming internship. Even so, I’d mention that I’ve interned with the team before in the first paragraph. There’s something to be said for already understanding an organization.